"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
During the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of grace…and how even though God's grace is overflowing, I sometimes have a difficult time receiving it. Many times I tend to just rely on myself too much. I feel like I have to be perfect, but no matter how hard I try, I end up getting stressed out, making someone angry, complaining too much, or taking on the role of a martyr. When I begin to rely solely on my own strength while ignoring God's power, on my own intelligence without seeking God's guidance, and when I try to seek perfection without remembering the work of Christ on the cross, these are the times when I run into major trouble.
I'll never forget the day in 2001 when I was sitting in my apartment in Brooklyn and the light bulb came on. I knew at that moment I needed to change directions. I had learned a lot working in the corporate world of entertainment television, but at the end of the day, I did not feel like I was giving back. I knew I needed to be in a job where I could help others along their journeys. Pursuing a MSW degree seemed to be the right plan at the time, so I packed up my bags and moved to Chapel Hill (As I reflect back on this time, I still think social work was the best path for me to take, even though I have to admit I struggle sometimes with some of the profession's advocacy stances). Now seven years later, I am sitting in France wondering if I have the energy, patience and passion to carry on with the work. A therapist friend once told me, "Sometimes people stick their straws into you and suck as hard as they can, don’t they?" I had to agree whole-heartedly, even though I do not mean to make light of human suffering. We humans have so much need and heartache and I have definitely stuck my own straw into friends and family through the years during dark life moments. Yet, I have wondered recently whether I have what it takes to be an effective servant.
However, God will not let up. Even though I have questioned whether or not I can continue with a helping profession, I know deep down inside that there is no other path for me. Now, I may need to switch it up and admit that my time in community mental health has come to a close……but, I know God is calling me to serve others and no matter how much I want to ignore it, I cannot. There are so many ways that I fall short, but what I am beginning to realize is that if I can learn to stop letting ME get in the way and accept God’s power and grace, all things are possible.
Another way God is really working on me is in the area of control. This is not a new lesson for me. The funny thing (I should also say merciful thing) about God is that He keeps bringing us situations where we can learn the lessons we need to learn and finally achieve growth. As I have mentioned before, I like to feel independent and in control. I like to know how things are going to turn out (and agonize with finding the answers). I also have to admit that I sometimes (ok, ok, most of the time) want life to parallel the plans I have created in my own mind. Over the years, I have realized these things rarely happen and that if I do not learn how to live in the flow of life with trust in God at the center, I will always walk away feeling disappointed, hurt and really frustrated. However, I cannot honestly say that I have completely learned this lesson.
Here in France, I do not feel very independent or in control, which drives me batty. I cannot speak the language (which makes me feel somewhat inadequate and reminds me that we Americans need to be more global in our thinking and education (which I think is moving in that direction)). I have to rely on poor Dave and Sue to translate everything for me, be my voice while I stand there with a look of ignorance on my face in restaurants, stores, etc. and be my source of transportation because I am somewhat nervous about navigating a transportation system explained in French (when have I ever been nervous about taking the bus?!). Thankfully, Dave and Sue are compassionate and give me daily doses of grace with stories about how it took them years to learn the ropes here. I still struggle and God is still teaching me.....
After the CrossRoads Women’s Retreat, one of the ladies volunteered to bring me home, which was a blessing. However, I could not remember how to get back to Dave and Sue's house. They live in a neighborhood called Bois Chatton and it is literally the most confusing neighborhood I have ever seen! I kept telling the lady the wrong roads to turn down, so with a lot of pride I said, "Just drop me off here and I'll find it." She did and I proceeded to walk around the neighborhood dragging my luggage behind me for 30 minutes trying to find their house. Crap, I lived in NYC for 8 years and navigated the city like a pro....what is wrong with me that I cannot find my host family's house in a tiny neighborhood development in France??? I closed my eyes, prayed for direction and eventually found the house. God's grace is a life-altering concept, but it can be so intimate and practical, even with small things like getting lost.
However, I guess the feeling of being completely disoriented and receiving direction when needed was not enough. So enter round two…. Earlier this week, Sue and I decided to take a drive through the countryside of Switzerland and had been talking about whether or not I was getting any additional thoughts about my next steps. This day, I was feeling frustrated because I was totally confused about the next steps. I felt burdened by the thoughts, "What if I never find my way?" "What if at the end of my life I look back and think 'What did you do with your time? What difference did you make?'” I have to figure it out I thought, but I was at a loss.” As a result, I developed a headache that progressively grew more intense as the hours went by.
That evening, I attended a Young Adult Group meeting with folks from a church in downtown Geneva. I was excited about the night, but my sense of frustration and responsibility to figure everything out caused my headache to worsen and my concentration wane. At the end of the meeting, the host graciously asked another participant if she would drive me back to France. Sheila, a woman from Uganda working at the World Health Organization, agreed to provide me with a ride. On the way home, I suddenly became very sick and had to ask her twice to pull over for me (one time was at her office at the World Health Organization....I was at the offices of one of the most influential health organizations in the world and I was hugging the toilet in a basement restroom!). I was mortified. Here I was with a woman I just met who graciously was providing me a ride home and I got sick twice. I felt so vulnerable. This person I just met was seeing me in my worst condition, yet she was caring and understanding. Kind of like God, right? He sees the worst of us, yet because He loves us so much, He extends His grace to us with open arms.
When I finally crawled into bed that evening, I prayed to God for some relief, and it came. The next morning, I woke up feeling more free and unburdened….the most at peace I have felt in a long time. Since this experience, I have not worried as much about the next steps or felt as pressured by time. I know that the answers will come and when they do, I know that I will respond and serve effectively. I know because I am trusting God more deeply. I know because it is in my weakness that He will make me strong……
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